Hit 'N Run
by mandaree1
Summary: Dipper and Mabel try alcohol for the first time ever at the ripe age of sixteen. But this isn't about that; it's about the morning after. In an Oregon police station. When it's not summer and they're technically living in California. "They got us at the border, grunkles."


**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls!**

 **Title: Hit 'N Run**

 **Summary: Dipper and Mabel try alcohol for the first time ever at the ripe age of sixteen. But this isn't about that; it's about the morning after. In an Oregon police station. When it's not summer and they're technically living in California. "They got us at the border, grunkles."**

 **...**

Mabel's face is covered in rhinestones, glitter, dirt, and what looked to be leftover ice cream. If it weren't for the bags under her eyes and the horrible smell on her breath, it'd almost look like every other day for her.

The black eye on Dipper's face, however, effectively shattered what was left of that illusion.

"They're going to flip, Dipper! _Flip_! Quadruple somersaults flip!"

"Which is exactly why I'm not calling mom and dad." Dipper replied, punching some numbers into the old phone stationed on the brick wall.

Mabel shot him a look of utter un-impress-ment. "Ford's gonna flip too."

"But Stan _won't_. And he has the fake I.D. Ford _doesn't_ have."

"Ssh, not so loud. Do you _want_ to send grunkle Stan to jail at his age?"

"Better him than us. He knows what he's doing." He grunted. The dial tone began to ring. Mabel moved closer to hear better. "Hello?"

"Dipper?" Ford's voice came in from the other end of the line. "It's a bit early in the morning too be calling, don't you think?"

"Uh, hi, great uncle Ford. Can I talk to grunkle Stan real quick?"

"Why?" He sounded somewhat hurt, but mostly just curious.

"I'll tell you later. Just... let me talk to him first."

"Okay." Mabel could easily imagine him shrugging. They both could hear him pull away to call for his sibling.

"What?" They heard him snap. Mabel could imagine him standing in the doorway, coffee mug in hand.

"It's Dipper. He says he wants to talk to you."

There was a bit of fumbling before Ford's voice returned, loud and clear. "Alright, you're on speaker."

 _Of course!_ Mabel felt sinking dread. Ford and Stan both had a habit of eavesdropping on each other to make sure they couldn't keep any secrets from each other. Dipper was obviously feeling the same from the look on his face. They exchanged a glance.

 _Nosy old men!_ She thought irritably, unable to be mad at the two old men in question. They were old and hurt and suspicious of everything. Let them feel a bit safer.

"Dipper?" Stan called through the phone; his voice was as gruff as ever. "You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. And, uh, so is Mabel."

Mabel took command of the phone. "Hiya!"

"Hello, Mabel."

"Hey, sweetie. How's it hangin'?"

"We're in jail!" She announces, loud and proud. Dipper's jaw dropped. "Was I not supposed to tell them yet?"

"Not like that!" He spluttered. "We agreed we were gonna ease them into this!"

"I did! I said 'hiya', didn't I?"

"Dangit, Mabel, give me the phone." He holds the phone between them so they both can hear. "Hey. I'm back."

"Well, that's, uh..." Ford seemed to be trying to save face. Stan was laughing.

"What did you even _do_?"

"Stanley! You can't just _ask_ that!"

"Relax, poindexter. We're all criminals here. What happened, kid?"

"Well... there was alcohol involved, so, uh..."

"Oh, got it." Stan hummed knowledgeably. "What _didn't_ you do?"

"...Nobody's dead?" Dipper's voice squeaked.

"That we know of." Mabel added for good measure. "I _think_ we left someone in a ditch on the interstate."

"The interstate? Did you _steal_ a car?" Ford demanded. _Now_ he sounded mad.

"There's no proof." Dipper quickly replied. "A buddy swung by with his van."

"So, if a car _was_ stolen, it'd be right back where it started, safe and sound." Mabel rocked on her heels.

"Again; no proof."

Stan's voice grew more serious. "Alright, why did you call us?"

"Stan-"

"Relax, Ford. I'm happy to hear from 'em. But why us? We can't exactly drive all the way down to California to bust you out."

Dipper bit his lip. Now came the hard part. "Grunkle Stan, we're not in California anymore."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "If that 'Oz' reference was your way of telling us you found your way into Kansas being drunk, stupid teenagers I swear to god I'll-"

"No! No, no, no. No one can go _that_ far in one night."

"They got us at the border, grunkles." Mabel said sheepishly. "We're in Oregon."

" _Please_ don't tell our folks." Dipper begged. "We'll tell them all about the alcohol and shoplifting and possible dead guy in the ditch-"

"Wait, shoplifting?" Ford interrupted. Dipper didn't reply.

"-Just don't tell them we left the state. They'd send us to military school or something for sure!"

"I can't risk a buzzcut, grunkle Stan!" Mabel wailed.

"Well-" Ford hesitated. Stan didn't.

"Okay. I'm coming."

" _Stanley_!"

"One night of crazy fun isn't worth splitting them apart. But it ain't happening again, you hear?"

"Thank you, grunkle Stan!"

"Don't thank me, kids. Spring break? You're mine. Soos and Wendy are gettin' a vacation."

"Stanley, are you crazy? If they find out who we-" The line went dead.

* * *

"Should I be concerned that you know exactly where they are despite not asking for directions?"

Stan, hunched over the wheel of his car, shrugged. "I've been arrested a little of everywhere. There's only a couple of places lenient enough to let them place a call together and not split them up after they got sober."

"Yup. Officially concerned."

"Relax, I wasn't using _your_ name."

"That's not what I-"

"We're here." He pulled into the parking lot with a grunt. "Let's go save those idiots."

"Grunkle Stan!" Mabel wrapped the older man into a hug. Stan warmly returned it.

"Hey, pumpkin. You're crazy, you know that?"

"Yup!"

"Sorry about this." Dipper mumbled, shuffling his feet. His hat was pulled down in shame.

Stan calmly looked him over. "Sheesh, kid. What happened to your eye?"

"Bar fight." He grunted. Ford blanched.

"A _bar_ fight? You're sixteen! How did you-"

"Long story. Can we just... go?"

Ford gave Stan harsh glare. "This is your fault, you know."

"Hey, I didn't give them the booze."

"No, but you _taught_ them most of this crazy stuff."

"Oh, like you _didn't_ teach them how to disarm a person with weapons and successfully survive in a buncha different dimensions- usually by illegal means?"

"Well, that's different-"

"Save it. It's both our faults. We're bad influences by nature." Stan shrugged and held the door open. "Come on, let's get you idiots home."

 **Author's Note: They tried calling the Pines parents, but they were gone for the weekend. With a little Stan and Ford magic, it'll be like it never happened. Unless you count Dipper and Mabel suddenly really wanting to visit their grunkles during spring break. =) Don't try to figure out all they managed to do in one night; I can't even keep track of it all**

 **I know we have a weirdmaggedon to contend with right now, but I have too much fun thinking about all the crazy stuff those kids are going to know by the end of the summer; with great uncles like theirs. Take the fun fluff where you can get it.**

 **No flames! Don't like don't read! Review!**


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